March is when I reflect on how much I’ve changed as a person so far. My work takes up so much of my life right now, there is no way I can avoid being shaped into that person I need to be, to get my things done, and done right.

Some changes were great and I shall refrain from going into detail - it’s not like my boss is going to read them. Some changes however, are detrimental to my relationship. I sometimes feel embarrassed for becoming that utterly demanding, unreasonable monster towards my ah lao. He’s not my worker, and he deserves better treatment than what I’m giving him now.

I sometimes jokingly call him my man slave and myself, the slave driver - both of which ironically bears a silver of resemblance. He tries his best to go the extra mile for me, but I fail to see his effort.

“How liddat?”

Here are some quintessentially Singaporean spoilt brat whining I’ve been holding back for the past month (oh, how can I not share this with you.):

I really wonder what the fuck am I doing here, when I…
a) wake up on a Saturday AND Sunday morning at 725am for work…
b) look at my gritty unmanicured nails and rough heels
c) am served terrible food that are not to my palate… (back home, I am the least picky about food among all my friends)
d) sneeze uncontrollably due to dust bunnies in my bedroom
e) feel hopelessly helpless & inevitably ignorant of situations.
f) am audibly raped during meal times with the throat clearing.. and that unmistakable *PTUI* & *SPLLAAAPPPPPTTT*
g) give up on my food cos it’s simply too bloody salty to stomach (and I’m the kiam kiam queen back home lorh!)
h) am going through the time of the month and there’s nothing more I want than to bury my head in my smellie & ah lao
i) look at the limited choice in carrefour

But when I reflect back on the things I have been exposed to for the past weeks, I think it’s all worth it.

It’s not everyday one get to see for themselves how a factory operates; the work culture of the chinese; how material are made; how to survive living alone & independently. My written & spoken chinese improved tremendously - even I am amazed.

But I miss home. The friends. The kiasu people who are always in a rush. That sickeningly humid weather. The routine life I was so used to.

I miss our 3-in-1 coffee. I miss maggi mee chicken flavour. I miss vegetarian beehoon. Not sure if I miss my mother’s nagging, but it sure sounded less irritating over the phone this time.

The first month of 2009 has been filled with many gastronomically satisfying dates with the ah lao. I shall spare you the cheesy details of our pat-tor-ing (e.g. like how I call him 大闸蟹 after a meal cos his biceps and forearms are so big).

So far we’ve had…

Chilli Crab (No.3)
Dimsum (Swee Choon)
XLB and such (DTF - their XLB are pale in comparison to Swee Choon’s)
Hawker fare such as oyster omelette/sambal stingray/chicken wings (Esplanade)
Beef Pho (Pho Hoa at Lorong Mambong)
Yakitori (some hole in the wall restaurant at cuppage. 1st date. come to think of it, food was not bad)
Indonesian food (ayam penyat & ayam soto!)
Ramen (at Central, fantastic chicken broth)
Deepfried Pork Knuckle (Baden Baden, heavenly)
Chinese food (hongkong style steamed fish, stir fry baby kailan - at this restaurant near his oppit)

And also many others small little places we popped in for coffee and ice creams.

Not a single picture available as 2 hungry people just dug into the food, totally forgetting about taking pictures.

The double chin that took me some effort to reduce is slowly returning to familiar grounds. I’m not really complaining; every meal was a worthy experience.

OK FINE, that chin never went away.

The entire month of January was spent preparing for the trip…

Getting my mugshot taken; Renewing the passport; Flu vaccination; Stocking up on potentially Hard-to-find essentials like toiletries/garments, travel kits, medications; nitty gritty stuff like hemming my pants, backing up data, just to name a few; and the farewell meet ups with each little but precious groups of friends.

Got a little overboard shopping for the essentials - 8 new bras & 12 undies - I just don’t know when is the soonest I’ll get to return.

I caught myself snapping at people a number of times - The answering, explaining and repeating ad nauseam got on my nerves.

Funny how some of my friends and my mudder nagged at me to prepare this and that like I’m retreating to some backwater village high up in the mountains. Perhaps my aloof front gave them the impression of an ill-prepared greenhorn.

I know they were looking out for me, but it got a bit too much when someone fed me exaggerated scenarios, hoping to send me into a self-induced panic attack. I really could do with less negative influences like these.

January. I’ve so much more to pick up for the rest of the year.

I’m irritated of:

a) unappreciative birthday girl
We were at the restaurant you wanted. We got you a cake. And we also endured a sour puss face who didn’t wanna eat anything nor the cake. Why the fuck do I bother? I could have done so much more in a day in better company (like a dinner with my family). Absolute waste of my Time & Money.

b) sales associates with poor English proficiency
I don’t mean to be atas here but please don’t hire sales associates with poor command of the English language.
“I want a size 38 sandals/I’m looking for size 16 Top in Grey.”
*snap snap fingers*
Be efficient; don’t make me repeat 3-motherrrfucccccckingggg-times.

c) friends who pretend they care
fuck off. You’re asking me the same set of questions you asked an hour/3 days/1 week ago. You’re not actually interested but you pretend to. Fuck, don’t bother lah.

1) Travel.
I was rather disappointed that I didn’t get to travel at all last year. For 2009, I foresee plenty of travelling opportunities for me work-wise, and hopefully on my own too.

2) Get screen for HIV.
HIV screening is every sexually active individual’s responsibility.
I got myself tested last year on the 12th Dec and I am declared HIV-negative on the 15th Dec 2008. Resolution accomplished!

3) Be financially independent and start saving.

4) Drop another 10kg. Maintain weight. Eat in moderation.
Weather is cold. Food are greasy. This is an extreme test of my self-determination.

5) Cut down on drinking

6) Work the LTR.

7) Love myself better.
Simply because self-confidence is a human magnet.

Hi Sayang,

If you see this, it is me sharing my life with you.

I just want to feel safe in my own skin, I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my world
But I’m so lonely I don’t even want to be myself anymore

I’m going through a bout of depression Is this the 9th.. or 10th day? I haven’t felt with myself for a while. Those empty grins.. smiles… guffaws you saw over the weekend… it didn’t come from within.

Sorry that I couldn’t be more sincere.

Stronger than any caffeine I’ve ever come across; It is nothingness keeping and waking me up every night. 3 hours of sleep every night. Did it show on my face?

I have much to be thankful for. My few but dear friends. The unexpected yet thoughtful christmas gifts from some people. A mother who makes double boiled soup for me. A solid roof over my head. The tangible things I own. The temptations everywhere. And yet I noticed the eyes and faces who doesn’t give a shit about me. They glare at me.

So much to look forward to. New job. New career.

So much to learn. Life. Experience. Culture.

I feel good about how I look, but it’s still not enough.

Time is running out for the young gun. The aching emptiness sullens D.

GAH I don’t have much time left right now to craft an long and introspective post - with constant referencing between thesaurus.com and merriam-webster.com - on what I discovered about myself through a person I thought I will never get along with.

So surreal - this might potentially sound gay one day - and I’m still reeling in awe from last night.

People are so interesting. She makes me seems so interesting. Who knew we could talk heart to heart?!

*naval gaze*

Edit: Perhaps I’ll elaborate more in another post, but you know… I always never follow through. Bahhh.

I feel trapped.

Like a little girl holding on to a comical flock of balloons, unsure whether to hold on or to let go. For days, for weeks.

What do I wake up for each morning? I haven’t been able to answer that for awhile.

It is akins to asking why a sex addict is always in pursuit of hedonism. He wants it - oh no, he don’t. He thinks he needs it - but he’s doing fine without it.

And then he finds the empty pot at the end of the rainbow.